Larry Larry quite contrary

redbirdbrain is a Cardinals’ fan. (But, you know, she’s originally from St. Louis, and so you have to be a Cardinals’ fan if you’re from St. Louis. It’s the law.) So that’s why her allegiances lie where they do. But why, you might ask, do I have a link to a freakin’ St. Louis blog on my Astros’ site?

Well, because she’s a great student of baseball, and I’ve learned lots from reading her site. (Although, she keeps changing the URL and not telling me, so I’m sort of getting a complex. . . hmm.) Also, she’s just a very creative and funny writer, so even though I’m sometimes fatigued by the constant Pujols worship (no, I’m NOT jealous! SO not! Why would I be jealous of somebody on track to hit like 83 freakin’ jacks this year? Puh-lease!), she’s definitely one of my bookmarks.

She recently had a link to a post that I missed at the time (during one of her trying-to-hide-from-me website changes, no doubt). While ethanol-influenced, it was nonetheless remarkably ambitious—she decided to see how many players she could name from each major-league franchise. (I myself was flabbergasted by the scope of this quest—I’m so stupidly Houston-centric that I’m not sure I could even name all of the American League teams without cheating. And yes, that’s very embarrassing to admit.) Not surprisingly, she could name several Astros, and I quote:

Andy Effing Pettite, Roy goddamn mother-effing Oswalt, Wandy Effing Something or Other, Chris Effing Burke, Lance Effing Berkman, Larry Effing Bagwell, Craig Effing Biggio, Orlando Effing Palmiero, Brad Lidge.

(Bwahahahaha—“Brad Lidge”—get it?)

But then I blinked.

“LARRY Effing Bagwell”???????

Mercy.

Needless to say, I felt compelled to point out this error to her. She was very apologetic and contrite (well, she is a St. Louis fan, after all), but she’s also very on-board with current social culture, and I quote:

Nothing like covering up your idiocy and obliviousness by pouring even more stupidity and ridiculousness on top of it.

Yeah, two can play that game. So, since she is insisting on calling all the Astros “Larry” (and as a tribute to her ambitious post that started all this trouble), I’ve decided that the least I can do is see how many Cardinals I can name. Here goes: Cy Carpenter, Agnes Pujols, Bam-Bam Edmonds, Damien Eckstein, Spot Rolen, JayZee Isringhausen, So No-I’m-not-Tadahito-Iguchi Taguchi, Scout Mulder, and Yadier I-Love-Brad-Ausmus Molina.

(And I wonder why she keeps changing her web site and not telling me. . . .)